i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
