I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
