Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
