I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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