just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
