i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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