Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
