My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
