I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
