In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
