Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
