I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
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