I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING