I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.