I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"