god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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