I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
