I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
