My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
