you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
