i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
