meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
