every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
