So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you would pick up someone in the library
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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