I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
