Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
