I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
