Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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