hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
