made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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