So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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