Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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