I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
