It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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