Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
