My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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