Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i've created a new STD.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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