he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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