I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
