she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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