Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
