Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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