i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
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Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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