so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
