Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
