when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
