whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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