im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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