You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just high enough for therapy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
