On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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