i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
