I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm always down for nudity.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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