Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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