Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
