I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
