Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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